I feel the $10 leaving my wallet already.

2012 has a really stupid premise. It's head-punchingly stupid. Before I saw the trailer, I only had a vague peripheral awareness of the "2012 Mayan calendar conspiracy", so I asked a friend of mine who is far more knowledgeable than me more about it, and he made a point so simple that it really f---ing blows my mind that anything less than everybody in the entire world doesn't realize this right off the bat: The Mayan calendar has to end somewhere. It cannot go on forever.

Now that this incredibly obvious statement has been made to me, every trailer and line of dialogue referencing the fact that the "Mayan calendar proclaims" the world will end in 2012 makes me want to stab myself in the head with a sharpened pencil.

I also know that this movie, by the director of The Day After Tomorrow and the 1998 American Godzilla, cannot possibly be good. It just can't.

All that said, this is 5 solid minutes of the most destructive money-shot images ever put on film, and it is amazing. I saw what was essentially this clip in a slightly more trailerized version before Zombieland (which is a blast, by the way) and I was in helpless, slightly ashamed awe. F--- you, Sony. F--- you, Roland Emmerich. You win. You win.

Also, John Cusack yells "Donut!".

Amber Stepfather Heard and Amber Zombieland Heard Trailers. Also 2012.

Earlier I said I didn't care about The Stepfather remake, but it turns out I lied, because I watched the trailer and Amber Heard is in it. Yes, the film may be by the people who made the Prom Night remake (ugh), it might be yet another in a long line of glossy Sony/Screen Gems garbage (awful), and it's rated PG-13 (stupid, stupid, stupid), but, again, in the movie's defense, Amber Heard is 100%, definitely, absolutely in it.

Here, you watch the stupid trailer.



Yep, I'm that easy. The trailer gives everything away, but when it invariably comes to DVD and is Unrated, I'm sure I'll end up giving it a chance, because, in case you hadn't heard, Amber Heard is in it. Let's hope they do a special edition of the original in the meantime.

Oh, hey, Amber Heard iz in Zombieland as well.



Many people are saying the zombie thing is over and done with, and judging by the stylish-but-not-particularly-inspiring trailer, I might be inclined to agree, but in addition to Amber Heard, this movie has Bill Murray in it too, so it's gotta be at least a little entertaining.

On an unrelated note, while I'm at it, I might as well post this trailer for 2012, the new Roland Emmerich movie that looks exactly like every other Roland Emmerich movie in existence, as long as you swap John Cusack for Jeff Goldblum or Jake Gyllenhaal. I like John Cusack. No, Amber Heard is not in this one (I actually went to IMDb to double-check), but I might see it anyway.



Bringing this post back around to what it's really about, the apparently abominable film The Informers (in which Amber Heard gets naked) is on DVD and Blu-Ray August 25th, 2009, and her long-delayed All the Boys Love Mandy Lane was just negatively reviewed by co-DVDTalker Brian Orndorf. She's also signed to appear in The Ward, which The Hollywood Reporter says Danielle Panabaker just signed onto, and which is being directed by John Carpenter, one of my heroes. I'm thrilled to see Carpenter come back, but truth be told, Amber Heard or not, I'm more interested in The Prince, about a gangster who returns to Las Vegas after decades away, violating contracts on his head, in order to save his daughter. That sounds f---ing awesome. It's been on Carpenter's plate for awhile, but I'm skeptical about it actually going before cameras. Let's hope for the best.

The Stepfather opens on October 16th, Zombieland is in theaters October 9th, and 2012 arrives on November 13th, 2009. Hooray, another crappy movie opening near my birthday.

Time to take a cold shower.