Remake Watch 2010: Week 15

A catch-up post, in which Hollywood vomits old movies and television shows into your face with alarming strength and velocity.

Godzilla
Legendary Pictures has the rights and are trying as hard as they can to avoid making anything like Roland Emmerich's 1998 Godzilla. Good plan. [Source: Variety]

House Party
This movie isn't going to make House Party 2 look like House Party 3! It's just going to look like House Party! Because, you know, it's a remake. I guess that House Party 4 Film Favorites DVD is selling like gangbusters. [Source: Pajiba's The Hollywood Cog]

"Laverne & Shirley"
Jamie Foxx is writing a "Laverne & Shirley" movie with Jessicas Biel and Garner in mind to star and Garry Marshall to direct? I told you I wanted an out-of-left-field story, damn it! [Source: TV Guide]

Look Who's Talking
Clearly, someone wants to capitalize on those E*TRADE ads starring babies. Oh, wait, they're making a movie based on those, too. [Source: Pajiba]

Overboard
Sometimes I think Hollywood execs with no ideas on what to greenlight just go to Blockbuster and look at old DVDs. You know, because Hollywood Video is out of business. Maybe this is the one that will get Jennifer Lopez that "dope" Oscar she deserves. [Source: The Hollywood Reporter]

Night of the Living Dead: Origins
Never mind that there is already a Night of the Living Dead 3D, they're making another one, and it's animated, and a prequel. Hmm. [Source: Movie Mikes, via Moviehole]

Private Benjamin
Anna Faris is headlining a Private Benjamin remake. Unlike my joke above, it may really turn out to be an Oscar bid for Faris (the original scored Goldie Hawn an Oscar nomination), which Jennifer Lopez can watch from her couch while lamenting that her comic ability to hold semen inside her vagina in The Back-Up Plan was overlooked. [Source: THR's Risky Business Blog]

Police Academy
Steve Guttenberg's dreams of a Police Academy reunion sequel are crushed by the news of this remake. Steve Guttenberg's dreams are always crushed. [Source: The Hollywood Reporter]

"Popeye"
A remake of the cartoon, not the Robin Williams movie. IN 3D!!! [Source: Variety]

Real Genius
I like the idea that someone is remaking a movie titled Real Genius, in the sense that that same person would probably remake a movie called Truly Original. [Source: the first article from Pajiba again]

The Toxic Avenger
Everyone's favorite hand-frying, arm-tearing, boob-loving, grossly mutilated dweeb is bringing his classic mix of blood and breasts to Hollywood in an all-new PG-13 family movie in the vein of The Mask! Wait, what? [Source: Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Not added to the "Remake Watch" count but still oh-so-very-in-development:

"Baywatch"
Years ago, Eli Roth was attached to "Baywatch", presumably for no other reason than he could be. Unfortunately, as it turns out, that might have been a good idea, and it was quickly scrapped. [Source: THR's Risky Business Blog]

Fantastic Voyage
Alright, alright. There are four movies on this list with genuine potential, and this is one of them. Like Clash of the Titans, there's definite room for improvement here, and it's been long enough since the original film was released to justify revisiting. As long as potential director Paul Greengrass leaves his shaky-cam behind (sometimes it works, but I don't think Fantastic Voyage needs to be gritty) and producer James Cameron lets someone else write it, I'll go see it. [Source: Variety]

Fright Night
Here's another one that I have mild faith in, entirely based on Anton Yelchin. [Source: THR's Heat Vision Blog]

Heavy Metal
The third project worth caring about and the one with the second-most potential: Heavy Metal, via David Fincher. He tried before and failed, but this time, he's brought his buddies Zack Snyder and James Cameron with him. Loud and nasty indeed. [Source: Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Caesar (Planet of the Apes)
Finally, 20th Century Fox is moving forward with a Planet of the Apes prequel called Caesar, which will ignore Tim Burton's much-maligned remake. [Source: Production Weekly, but the best link I have is from Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Red Sonja
Rose McGowan: out. Megan Fox: potentially in. My attention: as far away from Megan Fox as possible. [Source: Pajiba]

"Robotech"
The director of Stomp the Yard is considering directing. There will be no robots, only interpretive dance. [Source: IESB]

"Voltron"
When a movie is a hit (like, say, Transformers), quickly find and buy a property that you can make nearly indistinguishable, and pour money into it. [Source: Corona Coming Attractions

Remake Watch 2010:
15 film remakes in development
4 film remakes released in theaters
0 film remakes released direct-to-DVD
3 film reboots in development
0 film reboots released in theaters
0 TV remakes announced
0 tv remakes released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2010: Week 7

Universal is mounting a remake of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I don't really know anything about The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I bet it gets named to Best in Texas or something dumb, though, thus completely defeating the fact that it's a remake of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (from a marketing standpoint, anyway). (Source: Cinematical, really, since the original Variety story is behind a paid wall)

There has also been movement on the remakes of the live-action Akira (The Hughes Brothers have been tapped to direct), The Black Hole (director Kosinski suggests it will have more hard science), A Star is Born (Russell Crowe will play the lead), Vacation ("Freaks and Geeks" star John Francis Daley is co-writing with Jonathan Goldstein -- although it may actually be more of a sequel than a reboot), and probably some others I've forgotten about, but they don't add to the 2010 total because they were all announced previously. (Sources: Vulture; MTV; The LA Times; and Variety via ComingSoon)

There was also movement on the Escape From New York remake, but the news was awesome: before they could glean the rights, New Line had to sign a contract with John Carpenter, stipulating that "Plissken must always be called 'Snake'", that the character "must wear an eyepatch", and, best of all, "must always be a bad-ass". John Carpenter is the best person ever. (Source: Vulture)

Remake Watch 2010:
4 film remakes in development
0 film remakes released in theaters
0 film remakes released direct-to-DVD
1 film reboot in development
0 film reboots released in theaters
0 TV remakes announced
0 tv remakes released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2010: Week 5

It's hard not to think about Mannequin and not also think about Weekend at Bernie's, because they're both such stupid premises from the 1980's starring Andrew McCarthy (Also, the Mannequin logo is pink, usually with a blue background behind it, and Bernie's shirt is pink and his jacket is blue. Shut up). I guess the people who own the rights to Mannequin and Weekend at Bernie's agree, because now the epic McCarthy-Jonathan Silverman comedy milestone -- a film so good and so ingrained into the cultural landscape that they gave it away with pizzas -- is also headed back to theaters in an all-new, still-stupid incarnation.

It's funny -- I watched both Weekend at Bernie's films back to back a year or two ago, and I can't really remember a thing about them, other than the fact that Terry Kiser plays a damn good dead man, and that I would rather be watching Catherine Mary Stewart in a better movie, like Night of the Comet. Night of the Comet is a classic, and believe me, Hollywood, by the time you try to remake that (because it's inevitable), I'll do more than make pizza jokes. Unless, of course, we get a good special edition DVD of the original. Then I'll just grumble about it a lot, and probably see it when nobody is looking. Anyway, the point I'm making is, Terry Kiser is still alive, so he should play Bernie again. That'd really be better than all the Andrew McCarthy cameos in the world.

Also, apparently they're rebooting some superhero movie. But I can't find any information about it.

In case you're wondering, I used the Weekend at Bernie's II poster because the tagline is phenomenal. It's so lazy. It's one of those things that really is so bad, it's funny. And then it's bad again.

[via Moviehole]

Remake Watch 2010:
3 film remakes in development
0 film remakes released in theaters
0 film remakes released direct-to-DVD
1 film reboot in development
0 film reboots released in theaters
0 TV remakes announced
0 tv remakes released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2010: Week 2

Alright, so last year, I started trying to do Remake Watch and ultimately failed, because I wrote Boxoffice.com news updates for a few months and really lost the time that I would have been spending on the blog. Now, I'm back, and not only do I have more free time to do it in, I have a better system: weekly updates.

In the second week of 2010, Moviehole ran two exclusives, concerning new versions of Mannequin and F/X. As usual, I wonder why the studios even bother. First of all, I don't know how anyone can live with the shame of having greenlit Mannequin once, but doing it again is even dumber, since we have concrete evidence -- the films themselves -- that neither Mannequin or its sequel were a good idea. Secondly, the name-brand recognition factor of the movies, which I thought was the reason studios churned out remakes in the first place, keeps getting lower and lower as Hollywood literally runs out of 1980's movies to rehash. I mean, how many people have even heard of F/X, much less seen it? It's true, some guys have all the luck.

Moviehole also mentions that MGM and Darren Aronofsky are having a conflict over whether the RoboCop remake should be in 3D. I like 3D, but it seems totally unnecessary for RoboCop, and MGM really needs to shut up and listen. Hey, guys, there's a reason you're going out of business. Stop arguing with the guy who could make the next Batman Begins-slash-Casino Royale-style reboot.

Remake Watch 2010:
2 film remakes in development
0 film remakes released in theaters
0 film remakes released direct-to-DVD
0 reboots announced
0 reboots released in theaters
0 TV remakes announced
0 tv remakes released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: OLD NEWS and, yep, The Fly.

I know I open almost every post like this, but since I've started writing for Boxoffice.com I've become greatly distracted. Rest assured, content is coming. In the meantime, I have wheel-spinning link-lists to fall back on, like Remake Watch 2009. Here's a bunch of old news you've already heard about projects that are, except for one, not new to the Remake Watch 2009 count.

First up is 20th Century Fox's wonderfully moronic decision to reboot the Fantastic Four franchise, which they started in 2005. Yes, it's been FOUR WHOLE YEARS since the franchise started, and TWO WHOLE YEARS since the last entry, 2007's Rise of the Silver Surfer. Oh, the times, they are a-changin'. Via Variety.

Last time I reported on the live-action Akira remake, it was dying. I guess it's not so dead after all. Via Collider.

In actual good news, Joel and Ethan Coen have reunited with Big Lebowski star Jeff Bridges for their True Grit remake. They should actually make it a double remake and a sequel to Lebowski by retitling it The Dude Goes West. Via Variety.

The Highlander remake is runnin' on NOS! There can only be one Drift King when Fast & Furious director and would-be Oldboy remaker Justin Lin takes control of the project. ComingSoon.

Also, I read on my Twitter feed that David Cronenberg is rebooting The Fly. No confirmation yet, but I'll be sure to run back and edit this post if anything develops.

EDIT: The Hollywood Reporter's Risky Biz Blog is corroborating the Cronenberg remake story. I haven't yet figured out how to add this to the tally. Is this another remake of the original, or is Cronenberg remaking his 1986 version? I have no idea. It's kind of baffling, actually. THR mentions that Cronenberg can do new things with the visual effects, but the makeup work on the original, by Chris Walas (who directed The Fly II) and Stephan Dupuis, won an Oscar. I guess I'd like to think that Cronenberg has some crazy new idea for this one, and it won't actually be much like his Jeff Goldblum version other than the basic concept.

More importantly, where are they going to find someone as awesome and stunning as 1980's Geena Davis?





Remake Watch 2009:
28 film remakes announced
5 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
3 TV remakes announced

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Swamp Thing, The Blob

This stuff is all a few days old, but this isn't really a news site, and my new post at Boxoffice.com is eating up a considerable amount of my free time. Matt Lingo and Nathan Kerce should have Top 20s coming though, if you're actually checking this site for updates.

Collider reports that Joel Silver is developing a Swamp Thing remake. I feel like all of my knowledge of Swamp Thing is pretty peripheral. My friend had an elaborate action figure playset of Swamp Thing when we were younger, and I know the original DVD of Wes Craven's version was recalled because someone had used a version with a bunch of extra nudity in it, even though the film is rated PG. Other than that, my awareness is pretty low.

On the eve of Halloween II's release, Variety posted the news that Rob Zombie will be directing a remake of The Blob. I don't have much to say about that either. Frank Darabont and Chuck Russell's 1988 remake gets a lot of praise, but I have to say I only thought it was okay. The gore effects were amazing, though.

I'm updating the tally of released films in advance, because I'm not making a devoted post to the release of Sorority Row. Also, there's been a lot of chatter on The Crazies remake, but it was announced in 2008.

Remake Watch 2009:
28 film remakes announced
5 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
3 TV remakes announced

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween II) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: "Heathers"

Variety reports from the Bad Idea department at 20th Century Fox (i.e. all of 20th Century Fox) that they're developing a series based on the 1989 comedy Heathers and someone who worked on "Sex and the City" is writing for it.

Of all the remakes I've reported on this year, this easily ranks among the top 3 worst, just because the ideas and plot of Heathers absolutely do not lend themselves to weekly adventures. In fact, to have them do anything other than what happens in the movie would reduce them all to their most superficial elements. On one hand, Heathers is a movie that goes to dark, dark extremes in search of bleak comedy, and on the other hand, it's a show about a bunch of manipulative girls in a clique and the one outsider they've let in. Which of these angles do you think 20th Century Fox and a writer from "Sex and the City" are going to feel lends itself to an ongoing series?

Remake Watch 2009:
26 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
3 TV remakes announced

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: "Skins"

ComingSoon reports via MTV that the network is developing a remake of the BBC show "Skins" for American television, with the original's co-creator Bryan Elsley tagging along for the ride.

The most interesting thing I learned from the article was that the original was written entirely by teens. When I reviewed the first two seasons, I only picked up on one of the episodes being written by a teenager, because the teenager was also an actor (Daniel Kaluuya). Elsley claims that he'll be making sure the same thing happens on the American version, but don't be offended if you catch me not holding my breath.

One of the comments on ComingSoon says that the sex and drugs are the best part and hopes that they're kept in. I don't know how true this is on the surface, but I agree in the sense that I don't need these to be clean-cut kids and for everything to be extensive and pat in its moralizing of the subjects. There is plenty of sex and drugs in "Skins" Series 1 and 2. Sometimes it has consequences, sometimes it doesn't. It's just there, and I hope the American version remains the same in that regard. The series was also bittersweet, which was one of the things I liked best about it, and I again wonder if MTV will be able to let it stand.

Remake Watch 2009:
26 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
2 TV remakes announced

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: EVERYTHING EVER WTF

I hate to do so many Remake Watch posts, but I'm working on a fairly extensive article, and there should be some other stuff up soon. Still, even if that stuff was almost ready to go, I'd still have to make this post because Hollywood just went remake crazy. Like last time, I've attached a picture of Chloe Sevigny that has no bearing on anything. Here's the rundown:

- Darren Lynn Bousman started work on a remake of Roger Corman's Mother's Day at some point, and I forgot about it until Briana Evigan and Alexa Vega joined the cast. Via ShockTillYouDrop.

- Shoot 'Em Up's writer/director Michael Davis is heading to Outland. Matthew Lingo approves this message. Via Variety.

- Nobody puts Baby in a corner twice! Will women be drawn in by a Dirty Dancing remake when the sequel (which even had Swayze!) seems to have been largely ignored? Via Production Weekly.

- Japanese film Yomigaeri is being remade into Rainbow Bridge by DreamWorks, with the screenwriter of The Time Traveler's Wife hard at work on a second draft. Variety.

- Sadly, that Disney motion-capture animation movie Robert Zemeckis has been chatting about looks like it's probably his remake of The Beatles' Yellow Submarine, and not Who Framed Roger Rabbit II. Via The Hollywood Reporter.

- Bryan Singer is looking to direct an Excalibur remake, and he also has a big-screen Battlestar Galactica reboot in the pipeline (that won't follow the Sci-Fi TV show, for some reason). Via The Hollywood Reporter.

- There is also an inkling that Fox, a studio that only understands things like fart jokes and talking animals and is unaware of the R rating's existence, might be considering rebooting The X-Files film series with new actors and whatnot, which will just piss everyone off. The report is at Moviehole, but it seems to have come from X-Files News. I couldn't find a link on XFN to put here, so Moviehole it is.

Lastly, even though it won't be out until 2010, you can watch the trailer for The Wolfman right here. I like it.

A jump of 6 remakes!

ETA: I guess there's also a Highlander remake with a recent script review. The Hollywood Reporter reported it in 2008, so it doesn't belong on RW 2009, but I figured I'd add it in.

Remake Watch 2009:
26 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Poltergeist, Paprika

Shock Till You Drop exclusively revealed that the remake of Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist will be arriving in theaters on November 24th, 2010. I haven't watched Poltergeist in a long time, which I really feel like I should do before I bother having much of an opinion on it, although at one time writer Nick Prescott said it was one of his favorite films of the 1980s.

Moviehole also informs the world about Wolfgang Petersen's apparent interest in regurgitating Satoshi Kon's Paprika. Since I haven't seen that at all, I don't have much to say about it either, but it seems like it could go either way. The movie is supposed to be weird and trippy, and I imagine it would only be more weird and trippy when realized in live action (at least, I assume it would be, since Petersen is a live-action filmmaker -- the article is unclear). Of course, on the other hand, it might just prompt the studio to demand the trippiness (i.e. visual effects) be toned back to save on budget.

Remake Watch 2009:
20 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Harvey, The Orphanage, Gunsmoke, Enter the Dragon

This news is several days old, but I'm lazy: Steven Spielberg will be directing a remake of Harvey for DreamWorks and 20th Century Fox. I haven't seen Harvey since I was in the 8th grade, but I remember enjoying it. In my opinion, the original is held in a weird sort of light esteem that would seem to counteract the possibility that Spielberg will make any sort of impact with a repeat telling, but then again, he's Steven Spielberg, so you never know. I didn't like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in theaters and I kind of hated it on DVD, but I'm hoping that the first Tintin movie will be an awesome return to form.

Meanwhile, The Hollywood Reporter has an update about Larry Fessenden's remake of The Orphanage, which I've been meaning to watch. Spanish auteur Guillermo Del Toro seems to be as involved with the remake as he was with the original (i.e. lots), so hopefully it won't suck.

Lastly, Ain't It Cool News is reporting that John Wayne's Gunsmoke is about to get a redo. Say what you will about me, being a film writer and all, but I've yet to see a John Wayne picture. Westerns were never my favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, quit whining, I'll get to them sooner rather than later.

As a side note, Latino Review has revived talk of the Enter the Dragon remake. Oh well. Color me uninterested. The original is about Bruce Lee, not the plot or anything else in it, and without Lee, there's really nothing worth talking about.

I briefly considered posting a picture of PJ Harvey with this article, but then I didn't.

Remake Watch 2009:
18 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Jesus Christ Superstar

THR's Risky Biz Blog is reporting that Jesus Christ Superstar is potentially next on the remake chopping block. I don't know anything about the original or the musical, but Marc Webb, director of (500) Days of Summer is potentially helming. I hope it's just like that movie, with Jesus and Mary bonding over Smiths songs and anal sex jokes, with cute animations come to life.

Also, it turns out Ridley Scott is directing the Alien prequel, as per Variety. I think I'm gonna take it off the "reboot" list. Funny, how it went from a remake, to a reboot, to just seeming like another entry in the franchise.

Remake Watch 2009:
16 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
1 reboot announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Nothing!

That's right, nothing! After a slew of remake announcements, it's been all quiet on the new remake front for a few days. In order to satisfy your remake-news needs, however, I have dug up quite a bit of information on already-announced remakes, and attached an awesome, hot picture of Chloe Sevigny, just because I f--ing want to, and I totally f---ing can.

- The Karate Kid is now called The Kung-Fu Kid. Also, they changed the name of the mentor character to Mr. Han and made him a janitor, among other things. Whether or not it actually qualifies as a remake anymore is debatable. Source: The Associated Press.

- Speaking of not-remakes, some site called Mania has a blurb about how Stephen Norrington's Crow film is about an entirely new character and changes the story. Hmmm...

- Kate Bosworth signed on to the Straw Dogs remake, along with Alexander Skarsgård. Via Variety.

- Nicolas Cage tells MTV that the second Ghost Rider should be a whole new take on the character. Soon they'll be rebooting movies before they start!

Remake Watch 2009:
15 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: An American Werewolf in London, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Bloody-Disgusting has the exclusive on John Landis' An American Werewolf in London being remade by The Weinstein Co., while The Hollywood Reporter has the information on Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

Aside from the fact that John Landis' original film is a classic, werewolves are inherently boring. They're kind of like the lame cousin of zombies that nobody talks about, and even in that sense, Hollywood totally ran the zombie train into the ground (with the 10-ton vampire caboose bringing up the rear), so a werewolf movie just sounds like the s---ty version of a boring idea. It's too bad, the exception was The Wolf Man, but then Mark Romanek quit and they replaced him with Joe Johnston, and my interest was permanently dead. Matt counters by saying they're "a good metaphor", but I don't think Hollywood has any interesting ideas for werewolves (as evidenced by their ideas for the aforementioned zombies and vampires) that would involve metaphors and s---.

As for Don't, produced by Guillermo Del Toro and probably starring Guy Pearce, I just think of the Nickelodeon show "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" and how much more I'd rather see that.

I remember recently I was in a bookstore, and someone was talking about the Three Stooges movie, and he was telling a customer he heard on the radio that Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Guillermo Del Toro were in it. Except he said Gallardo Del Toro, or Guerrero St. Toro, or something really stupid. Thanks, bookstore guy. Now whenever I hear Guillermo Del Toro's name, I'll always think of that. He even knew it was wrong on a subconscious level, because he was surprised the filmmakers had cast the director of Pan's Labyrinth. Of course, he meant Benicio Del Toro, who is starring in The Wolf Man, so I tied that story back around. Kinda.

It was also announced that the It's Alive remake is going direct-to-DVD via First Look Studios after WB dumped it.

Remake Watch 2009:
15 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released
1 remakes announced/released direct-to-DVD
1 TV remake

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch: Blood Simple, RoboCop

Holy s---, do I get to make an entirely awesome Remake Watch post? I think I do. First, the Associated Press says director Zhang Yimou (Hero and House of Flying Daggers) is about to start shooting a remake of The Coen Brothers' debut picture Blood Simple. I love Blood Simple, but unlike some films I love, the idea of a remake is crazy and interesting, a feeling that's only increased because the remake is foreign and by a notable filmmaker. Of course, Blood Simple's film-noir plot, with its lost lighters, unscrupulous detectives and bodies that don't stay dead, is so f---ing awesome I have a hard time imagining anyone screwing it up either, so that's probably part of it.

Also, after CHUD questioned Aronofsky's commitment to the RoboCop remake, they've confirmed that it's still on like Donkey Kong. I left a comment to Devin Faraci about how Aronofsky had the same non-committal answer that made Devin suspicious in the first piece months and months ago when I saw The Wrestler in Seattle with the director in attendance (I was the one who asked about it), but either way, it's good that he's still on board. RoboCop is probably the most potentially awesome remake on the books at the moment; I feel pretty strongly that, as great as the original is, this is one of those rare chances the remake could actually be better. I hate to cite everyone's favorite "reboot" example, but there's some really great Nolan-plus-Batman potential here (by which really I mean I think Aronofsky-plus-RoboCop could totally eclipse the success of Nolan-plus-Batman and become the new "reboot" success story. I hope).

Also, Moviehole reports they're remaking some Australian movie I've never heard of. Must be good, if the remake process doesn't involve the profile of the original picture.

Remake Watch 2009:
13 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Meatballs

Digital Spy says that Bill Murray's first major film Meatballs is in the works for a rehash at Paramount. Yet another project that doesn't really scream for a remake. Admittedly, Meatballs was Murray's first notable role, and it wasn't until test screenings that director Ivan Reitman and co. knew what they had in him, but most comedy vehicles, both then and now, were developed for the star that headlined them. The plot of Meatballs is that it's summer camp. Without Murray, it's not so much that the concept doesn't hold any draw, it's more that it's barely even a concept to begin with. Imagine in 40 years when they're remaking Will Ferrell's movies like Talladega Nights -- a NASCAR driver falls from grace and has to redeem himself. It's Shakespearean, isn't it?

Also, Latino Review claims that Roland Kickinger is actually not Conan after all, but their piece is so poorly written that I can't take the reporting seriously. I don't think the collective internet roared with laughter when the supposed announcement was made, nor is THR a remarkably unreliable source. If they were talking about the rumor that Eddie Murphy was the Riddler, Rachel Weisz was Catwoman and Shia LaBeouf was Robin, then maybe their mockery would be justified.

Remake Watch 2009:
11 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Amber Stepfather Heard and Amber Zombieland Heard Trailers. Also 2012.

Earlier I said I didn't care about The Stepfather remake, but it turns out I lied, because I watched the trailer and Amber Heard is in it. Yes, the film may be by the people who made the Prom Night remake (ugh), it might be yet another in a long line of glossy Sony/Screen Gems garbage (awful), and it's rated PG-13 (stupid, stupid, stupid), but, again, in the movie's defense, Amber Heard is 100%, definitely, absolutely in it.

Here, you watch the stupid trailer.



Yep, I'm that easy. The trailer gives everything away, but when it invariably comes to DVD and is Unrated, I'm sure I'll end up giving it a chance, because, in case you hadn't heard, Amber Heard is in it. Let's hope they do a special edition of the original in the meantime.

Oh, hey, Amber Heard iz in Zombieland as well.



Many people are saying the zombie thing is over and done with, and judging by the stylish-but-not-particularly-inspiring trailer, I might be inclined to agree, but in addition to Amber Heard, this movie has Bill Murray in it too, so it's gotta be at least a little entertaining.

On an unrelated note, while I'm at it, I might as well post this trailer for 2012, the new Roland Emmerich movie that looks exactly like every other Roland Emmerich movie in existence, as long as you swap John Cusack for Jeff Goldblum or Jake Gyllenhaal. I like John Cusack. No, Amber Heard is not in this one (I actually went to IMDb to double-check), but I might see it anyway.



Bringing this post back around to what it's really about, the apparently abominable film The Informers (in which Amber Heard gets naked) is on DVD and Blu-Ray August 25th, 2009, and her long-delayed All the Boys Love Mandy Lane was just negatively reviewed by co-DVDTalker Brian Orndorf. She's also signed to appear in The Ward, which The Hollywood Reporter says Danielle Panabaker just signed onto, and which is being directed by John Carpenter, one of my heroes. I'm thrilled to see Carpenter come back, but truth be told, Amber Heard or not, I'm more interested in The Prince, about a gangster who returns to Las Vegas after decades away, violating contracts on his head, in order to save his daughter. That sounds f---ing awesome. It's been on Carpenter's plate for awhile, but I'm skeptical about it actually going before cameras. Let's hope for the best.

The Stepfather opens on October 16th, Zombieland is in theaters October 9th, and 2012 arrives on November 13th, 2009. Hooray, another crappy movie opening near my birthday.

Time to take a cold shower.

Remake Watch 2009: Teen Wolf, Das Experiment

If you guessed I made that Cold Souls post just to space out another Remake Watch post, you'd be right.

Moviehole howls about a Teen Wolf redo, and CHUD says Das Experiment is being reformulated. Meh. I have almost nothing to say about either of these. I mean, even if you like Teen Wolf, could your fan-love for it really be so strong as to loathe the idea of a remake? I doubt even the guys who wrote it have that much devotion to the original. By which I mean, I doubt anyone gives a s--- about the franchise, much less whether or not a remake exists.

Also, Roland Kickinger is the new Conan, and there's a trailer for The Stepfather remake. Yeah, I don't care about those either.

Remake Watch 2009:
10 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Bride of Frankenstein

Making three Remake Watch 2009 posts in a row is kind of gross, but I'm not the one with my hand on the greenlight button in Hollywood, I guess. In any case, something called The Risky Biz Blog is reporting that Universal Studios plans to remake Bride of Frankenstein.

Does the Frankenstein character have any real brand recognition anymore? Is this really going to get teenagers hearts pumping? These pretty stupid questions, as Frankenstein is one of the most famous literary monsters ever, but they're the kind of questions a Hollywood executive might have pondered before pushing the button, and I'm surprised the answer was "yes". It seems like a grotesque stretch, reeking of the worst kind of Hollywood unoriginality. They just don't want to have to write a new story and sell it, so they find a movie with a similar plot and tag it as a remake. And why remake Bride of Frankenstein but not start with Frankenstein? It does seem like there could be a cool new set of movies with classic Universal monsters, but I wonder why they're not starting at the beginning.

In the film's defense, I guess, I do like Neil Burger, who wrote and directed the theatrical blink that was The Lucky Ones last year, which featured an Oscar-worthy and completely ignored performance by Rachel McAdams and similarly great work by Tim Robbins and Michael Pena. Not that it's a good representation of why he'd be good at writing Bride of Frankenstein, but, shut up.

Remake Watch 2009:
8 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Akira

Something new to report! Bloody-Disgusting says that the live-action Akira remake is actually dead.

Dead? I agree with CHUD, who suggests that the relative failure of Terminator Salvation and Watchmen might have caused them to rethink their potential investment (I'm sure the path to $200m being the road their $30m comedy juggernaut The Hangover is walking on is going to define their output in 2010 or 2011). It's too bad, this was one of the few remakes I thought had some legitimate potential. Not that I'll lose any sleep over it.

CHUD also reports that The Birds may be equally dead. I wasn't at all interested in that, but it is a surprise, I was sure when Martin Campbell and Naomi Watts were announced as being attached, it was going somewhere. Guess not...

Remake Watch 2009:
7 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released
1 remake canceled

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.