Sunday, June 7, 2009

Please give Richard Linklater more money

Richard Linklater is trying to make a spiritual successor to his classic Dazed and Confused, which I am certainly not alone in thinking is one of the best teen films of all time, but CHUD says there isn't enough money to go around. Well, to put it eloquently, that's stupid. School of Rock cost $35m to make, and raked in $131.2m at the worldwide box office, and Dazed has invariably raked in millions upon millions for Universal on DVD (even before they licensed it to Criterion). I really doubt That's What I'm Talking About, as it's reportedly called (not my favorite title, but whatever) is going to cost $35m, but the potential is certainly there for it to bank big bucks.

Last I heard, Linklater was also working on School of Rock 2: America Rocks, so one can hope rakes in another $130m that punches all the scaredy-cat investors in their stupid faces.

"SHUT UP AND GET TO THE POINT!"

Comedy Central maybe orders 13 new episodes of "Futurama".

Via CHUD.

Axel F

Top 3 looming belated 80's movie sequels I'd like to be good: Ghostbusters III, Tron 2 (or whatever the f--- they're calling it), and finally, Beverly Hills Cop IV.

I have my doubts about GBIII, because they're doing some passing-of-the-torch thing, and because Ghostbusters II has so many flaws, but I've been waiting for that movie since I was 5 and I really will take whatever I can get, for better or worse. Plus, there's always the video game, which seems at least reasonably entertaining (although I'm hedging my bets there too). Tron 2 looks like it's on the right track, although I'm still waiting for a high-res version of that awesome Comic-Con video Disney debuted as a surprise after the Witch Mountain and Bolt panels at Comic-Con 2008.

But then there's Beverly Hills Cop. As far as I'm concerned, the original Beverly Hills Cop, frankly, is one of the best movies of the 1980's. It's funny and thrilling in equal weight and measure, features one of Eddie Murphy's best performances as both an actor and a comedian, and he's got great chemistry with all of his co-stars -- none of which are played by Murphy in make-up. I thought Beverly Hills Cop II was an oddly-toned misfire that seems too slick, and dark, and is overwhelmed by a humid 80's heat that suffocates the movie into datedness, and the third film is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen -- just absolutely, completely execrable, and I love John Landis (although, and I'm going to get mobbed for this, I think Coming to America is overrated, overlong, unfunny garbage. I prefer Trading Places ten-to-one).

Yet despite mega-tool Brett Ratner in the director's chair and Eddie Murphy's career on a seemingly endless slide into Hell (see the trailer for Imagine That, the movie Murphy's opening this week -- which, coincidentally, also features Murphy's BHC co-star Ronny Cox...or, better yet, don't), this Moviehole article gives me some renewed hope. Early talks have suggested Judge Reinhold's Billy Rosewood might bite the dust, which I'm strongly against, because it would make Beverly Hills Cop IV another one-man Murphy show, but I don't know if the Haas/Brandt script is the one that kills the character, or if that twist will ultimately make it to the screen.

Either way, I wanted to counter my pessimistic Expendables piece with a positive one, and I want to see a Beverly Hills Cop besides the original that doesn't suck. Can we do that, Hollywood? Please?

Expendable?

So, the internet has been making a great big deal of fuss over The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone's next big action epic, and in its favor, it does star Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Brittany Murphy, Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Randy Couture and Terry Crews, plus a (non-digital) cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger and, if Moviehole is to be believed, an appearance of some sort from Bruce Willis, who's pretty far up on my list of favorite action stars. But I can't help but wonder: is it really going to be any good?

In the interest of full disclosure, I gotta say I'm no Slycylopedia. In fact, I'm going to be forced to admit that I've only seen two of his movies: the original Rambo movie First Blood (a true classic) and, uh, the arm-wrestling action film Over the Top. Probably not the best cross-section of the Italian Stallion's work.

Yet the list of people who aren't in The Expendables keeps looking longer and more interesting than the list of people who are. I like most of the actors Stallone's picked, but the one-time WWE stars do nothing for me and as much as I like Crews, I'd much rather have seen the initially announced Forest Whitaker appear in it. Sandra Bullock was asked, but declined (I can't imagine why -- regardless of quality, this movie will probably be a hit). And then there are the other action titans: Jean Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes, Steven Seagal and Sly's Tango & Cash partner Kurt Russell all opted out. Van Damme told Total Film Magazine why he bailed:

“Stallone gave me a part in his next movie," he told us. "But I ask him about the subject, about the story."

"He said, ‘You’re gonna make lots of money.’ I don’t want to hear that, I want to hear what was my character. He was unable to tell what it’s going to be."

"[Stallone said:] 'You know, uh, well, the fighting will be good.' [So I said:] 'Sly, what is my character?' So I didn’t do the movie."


Say what you will about Van Damme's career, but he was just in the highly entertaining JCVD, and frankly, it's ridiculous to bash an actor for being selective when the film's director won't even tell him what the movie is about. Admittedly, Snipes is trapped in the country due to his tax woes and Russell probably just felt he was getting too old for this kind of thing, but it's hard not to feel like Sly's dream cast is better than his actual cast.

And of course, the movie's shooting for a PG-13. I know PG-13 is the new R (which is confusing, since it's also the new PG, seeing as how many families see PG-13 movies), but it still seems like it's going to hamper what's meant to be the ultimate, testosterone-filled action explosion of 2010.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this movie will blow the doors off theaters in an explosion-and-gunfire fever dream while forcing me to eat my own testicles as penance for ever doubting it. And while I don't want to eat my own testicles, I would like to be wrong, but I just can't help but think that the movie can't live up to its own grunting, beefcake hype machine.

The Expendables opens April 23, 2010.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Remake Watch 2009: Valley Girl

That's the problem with Remake Watch: I'm going to end up updating this column every single day, if not repeatedly.

Moviehole reveals that someone I haven't heard of and already can't remember a mere minute and a half after reading the article is turning Valley Girl into a musical. Frankly, I'm surprised they chose Valley Girl instead of trying to re-adapt the Legally Blonde musical back into a movie. You'd think such pointlessness would be greatly appealing to someone with a lot of money.

I also hate to look like a bandwagoner, but Devin Faraci is right, so forget the new Scream film being a reboot.

ETA: Actually, the jury's still out on Scream. Bloody-Disgusting insists it's a reboot. It doesn't really make sense, but we'll see how things turn out.

Remake Watch 2009:
6 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Part 5

Equilibrium director Kurt Wimmer has signed on to write the Total Recall remake for Sony, sayeth Bloody-Disgusting. Wimmer also directed the Milla Jovovich sci-fi action movie Ultraviolet, which is one of the best unintentionally funny movies of the decade. No word if Wimmer might also helm Recall once the ink is dry.

I also forgot that Kevin Williamson is working on resurrecting Wes Craven's Scream franchise with a whole new trilogy, and while their participation has long been rumored, offers are finally out to Courtney Cox and David Arquette, according to EW. I dunno how I feel about that. Then again, there are probably established rules for the sixth film in a horror franchise. In fact, as long as they keep making Saw movies, they can keep making Scream movies as well.

Since Total Recall is already being accounted for, I only added one to the "reboot" column, for the Scream film.

Remake Watch 2009:
5 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
3 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Where's Nickelodeon?

So, speaking of terrible ideas that won't work, there's all this buzz on the internet about how Universal also picked up the rights to Martin Handford's Where's Waldo? series of books. FilmDrunk mentions that it's a stupid idea, and reels that Universal reportedly paid at least a million dollars for the rights, but this is made twice as staggering by the fact that they already tried to do a Where's Waldo? this decade and failed miserably at it.

Apparently people don't remember, but in 2002 or 2003, Nickelodeon and Paramount had the rights to the character, and they had already concocted a crappy enough plot to get a greenlight at most studios. It made Waldo a janitor who invented a time machine and ended up going back to important historical periods and getting lost. He might have been chasing Odlaw, and I think Waldo's girlfriend was in it too.

There was also that Saturday morning cartoon show with Waldo, which awkwardly paused for a true Where's Waldo? frame at every commercial break. It didn't really work in the cartoon, and we've already failed at making a movie once, and yet the rights to this doomed or at best extremely unwise attempt at franchising an 80's relic is still worth more than a million dollars?

I had better get to work on that Koosh Ball movie I'm working on. I see big money in my future!

Holy s---, can I kill myself now?

Universal's press release, posted at ComingSoon.net, officially announcing and dating their ill-advised Stretch Armstrong movie is unexpectedly soul-raping. Have you ever seen a more vomit-worthy conglomeration of corporate synergy and poor salesmanship as Grazer trying to justify this picture?

"Stretch Armstrong is a character I have wanted to see on screen for a long time," said Imagine Entertainment's Brian Grazer. "He's an unconventional kind of super hero with a power that no one would want. It's a story about a guy stretching – if you will – the limits of what is possible to become all that he can be."

Dear Brian Grazer: I hope you really haven't been sitting around thinking, "Gee, I wish there was a Stretch Armstrong movie. I mean, s---, I'd pay to see that in an instant!" Also, please stop using puns forever. That is the entirely wrong way to convince me to see your terrible movie that apparently until now was merely a really stupid twinkle in your eye.

But who knows, maybe I'm just jaded. Maybe I just don't get it. Admittedly, I missed the height of the Stretch Armstrong fad, being born in the 80's. The Stretch Armstrong I had (pictured) looks like a combination of Hulk Hogan, a surfer, a car salesman, a game show host, and Brock Samson.

But I doubt it.

If you need me, I'll be out buying a revolver. Stretch Armstrong opens April 15th, 2011.

TEAM WIEBE

Good luck, Steve!

Watch live video from G4TV - Steve Wiebe Donkey Kong Cam on Justin.tv
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters on IMDb

Monday, June 1, 2009

10th Anniversary: The Matrix (Part 2)

10th Anniversary is a column where we talk about popular movies that are now 10 years old. Are they still popular? Culturally and artistically relevant? If they're franchises, have they retained their commercial viability?

We continue our discussion on The Matrix with Tyler Foster and Matthew Lingo. Look for more 10th Anniversary articles with other members of our writing staff.

Tyler Foster:
Do you think the franchise is dead?
Matthew Lingo: Yeah, it kind of is…
Tyler Foster: Well, if they invented a Matrix television show, for instance: good or bad idea?
Matthew Lingo: It could be interesting. I mean, the basic idea of The Matrix is infinitely interesting. But the Wachowskis only seemed to show a limited interest in creating an expanded universe. It’s nothing like Star Wars.
Tyler Foster: I don’t know, I mean they did spearhead side projects, like the comic books and The Animatrix…
Matthew Lingo: The Animatrix was cool but I never felt that their hearts were completely in any of the video games.
Tyler Foster: Well, okay, that's probably true.
Matthew Lingo: I don't even remember the comic books. I do feel like the sequels had an effect on the movie's reputation a little bit. Part of the problem with them is, unlike with Star Wars or even Lord of the Rings trilogy, there isn't a clear, easy-to-follow arc. I remember walking out of Revolutions, I was maybe in the 9th grade, and I was confused as hell.
Tyler Foster: You don't think Neo's journey to being The One is an easy-to-follow arc?
Matthew Lingo: Well, but he becomes the One in the first movie.
Tyler Foster: Do you think the first movie has dated itself? I think it's going to stand the test of time. It's still pretty entertaining.
Matthew Lingo: The first movie probably will, but what I mean to say is, if the sequels had been better envisioned, The Matrix could have been like a Star Wars for our generation. I think the potential for that was there, but instead it's just The Matrix that was a great movie.
Tyler Foster: Well, this isn't directly related to The Matrix, but do you even think, the way movie studios are insistently franchising everything ever that we could even have a Star Wars for our generation? I mean The Matrix is one of the last big surprise franchises. Now everything's franchised.
Matthew Lingo: Well, maybe not now, but back in 1999-2003, it wasn't as rampant. Now it would be much harder, because being a trilogy isn't enough anymore. It would have to be something that would stand out from all the other franchises.
Tyler Foster: It was pretty lucky that DVD was just becoming huge. I think without DVD being huge, there might not be Matrix sequels.
Matthew Lingo: Possibly. It did pretty well in theaters, though, from what I understand…I know I at least saw it.
Tyler Foster: Yeah, but I think we would still be talking about the potential for a sequel today, maybe, it would have been more of a cult, underground thing. Which, I don't know, would probably have been good for it.
Matthew Lingo: Probably. To have less expectations placed upon the sequels. The sequels felt to me like the Wachowskis didn't have enough time to work the whole mythology out in a coherent manner. They always felt kind of disorganized to me. I wonder if doing both sequels in one year hurt it.
Tyler Foster: Yeah, people always make a big deal out of shooting sequels back to back and I think the only time that's been entirely successful is Lord of the Rings, and I think that's because they shot the first movie at the same time too, it was all one big project.
Matthew Lingo: Well, Reloaded is a pretty good second movie. If they had waited, they could maybe have come up with a more satisfying ending, and in addition, it would have created a lot of fan anticipation during the wait.
Tyler Foster: When you shoot an original and then do back to back sequels you're sort of forcing the audience to bunch them together.
Matthew Lingo: Yeah, exactly. Now, when people think of the sequels they probably associate them with each other, and not as three separate chapters. I guess it was kind of disappointing when the whole thing came down to another battle between Smith and Neo. They had battles in all three movies.
Tyler Foster: Yeah, and the battle…there are still bits of it I think are awesome, that shot when they slam into the ground is really eye-popping, but the battle is so boring and tired.
Matthew Lingo: There aren't any ideas behind the fight.
Tyler Foster: I think “spinning sky battle” is the idea. Most of the fight takes place off the ground.
Matthew Lingo: That's true.
Tyler Foster: But first one is the one having the anniversary, so what do you think it is that the first one has that the others don't? A more concise idea, better plotting…?
Matthew Lingo: Well, The Matrix is almost more intriguing as just an idea. What if reality was just a simulation? There's no real way to know whether or not it's somehow actually true, so it's interesting to think about. The sequels kind of get away from that and get more into details. The Matrix also has really strong character writing and good acting. I mean, I can still remember all the specific characters from that movie 10 years later.
Tyler Foster: Characters like the hugely overhyped "Twins" are just wasted in the sequels.
Matthew Lingo: Yeah, the Twins did nothing.
Tyler Foster: They just spouted bad “twin” dialogue.
Matthew Lingo: Too many characters in the sequels are just avatars for a bunch of plot information, but in The Matrix, all of the people on the Nebuchadnezzar are well-developed. You get to know them and care about them, which makes the action scenes better, since you have a vested interest in the outcome.
Tyler Foster: So do you think…The Wachowskis haven't really succeeded at capturing any of the same success, do you think that's their fault or like...I dunno how to put it…was it just the right place and time for The Matrix or….do you think they're the real deal, I guess, or if The Matrix was just a stroke of genius?
Matthew Lingo: Well, a big part of The Matrix's success is that the action really is pretty groundbreaking. It was a really exciting new way to do action scenes. That the story around it was really interesting and the acting was strong and such just made it better. But they could never recreate the shockwaves of The Matrix, since it had the whole element of coming out of nowhere and doing all of these exciting things with the cinematography and slo-mo.
Tyler Foster: Well, but, clearly bullet time is a huge deal, and directors are still using Matrix-style slow motion, so they've made their impact, but is that really the "action" of The Matrix? The Matrix is really about wire-fu.
Matthew Lingo: Maybe action isn't the right word.
Tyler Foster: The Matrix did make wire-fu big for a bit but it was more like a Hollywood fad than anything, and bullet time is a technique, and it's not something The Wachowskis invented.
Matthew Lingo: True, but they brought it to the attention of a massive audience. They didn't invent it, but they figured out a way to use it that would appeal to a lot of people.
Tyler Foster: So, ultimately, how much of their direction would you really say played a huge part in The Matrix being this sci-fi landmark? I feel like it's a good film…because it's a good film, not because it was revolutionary or impactful. It's just got ideas.
Matthew Lingo: Right. I'm not saying it's a good film because of the bullet time, just that the public reaction to the way they used that stuff is why The Matrix stands apart in terms of being a big deal. But, yeah, the heart of The Matrix is just a cool sci-fi story that's well-executed.
Tyler Foster: You'd think they'd make more of those.
Matthew Lingo: Yeah, I know.

It's weird that The Matrix isn't more a part of the culure than it is.
Tyler Foster: I dunno, I think it is. I don’t think we’ve forgotten it or swept it under the rug or something.
Matthew Lingo: It feels like more of a cult thing to me. It felt so big in 1999 that it feels like there should still be all sorts of Matrix stuff in stores.
Tyler Foster: It feels different from the reception to other franchises to me, I guess. It feels like it still has that respect.
Matthew Lingo: Oh, probably. The Matrix is a lot smarter than most franchise movies. I mean it actually has ideas. Even the Spider-Man or Batman movies don't really have what The Matrix has. It goes beyond just being good storytelling and becomes something more by posing interesting questions, and considering The Matrix when it was made, they had to have assumed it was a one-off. It's kind of admirable that they really stick to the idea they had, that everybody is just being harvested by machines and being deluded, it's a really dark idea but the first movie doesn't end with Neo saving everyone, or anything close to that. They stuck to their guns. And how many huge blockbusters do you see that even show an awareness of any sort of philosophy or anything like that?
Tyler Foster: I dunno, I think maybe in that sense like…I mean, you're right. So, even if it's not three movies, maybe The Matrix still is a Star Wars of our generation. I guess I don't know that being one movie precludes it from being that.
Matthew Lingo: You're right. I think it is that good. It's just a bummer that they couldn't keep it going, but I don't think that makes The Matrix irrelevant. It stands on its own really well.
Tyler Foster: Well, I think the sequels are sort of disappointing, but I don't think they're disgraceful, I can watch The Matrix and watch its sequels and still take it as a whole and not feel like it was terrible or a waste. Even the best franchises, people almost forget, everyone hates The Godfather Part III, people don't like Temple of Doom, there's huge debate over whether Jedi or Empire is better. I mean, nobody loves all of any franchise, do they?
Matthew Lingo: Yeah, I don’t think they’re disgraceful.
Tyler Foster: I'm thinking that eventually, the fact that the sequels are inferior will just be accepted as part of what The Matrix is, and it won’t be this big deal to people anymore, like “oh, they ruined it,” or something.
Matthew Lingo: I think you're right. I imagine it just seemed worse at the time, because in the moment I think people really wanted The Empire Strikes Back, but it wasn’t that, so people were let down.
Tyler Foster: Yeah, because the hype machine was going.
Matthew Lingo: But I mean, I didn't really dislike any of them.
Tyler Foster: I still think Reloaded is pretty great, it's a solid B+ in my book, so it's just Revolutions that drops the ball.
Matthew Lingo: And The Matrix is still a classic.