Martin Scorsese + Horror = Yes

As a palate-cleanser after the dreck that is the Old Dogs trailer, here's the trailer for the new Martin Scorsese film Shutter Island. I've been ignoring the news about this movie, for whatever reason, but it doesn't even matter, because even if I had been listening, it wouldn't have prepared me for the trailer, which basically looks f---ing amazing.



As a horror fan, there's nothing like seeing a great horror movie after thousands of mindless slashers, missed opportunities, and these days, terrible remakes.

Shutter Island opens October 2nd, 2009.

Old Dogs, old tricks.

As far as I can tell from the trailer for Walt Becker's Old Dogs, the movie is about Robin Williams, John Travolta, and a bunch of kids getting the living s--- beaten out of them in a variety of ways for about 90 minutes. Seriously, I don't think I have ever seen so much awful physical humor packed into one trailer.



Walt Becker also directed Wild Hogs and it is clear that this movie aims to take his "Old Men Doing Silly Things" series to even wackier heights. Get pumped.

Old Dogs is coming to theaters November 25th.

"I meant ASS whiplash."

Good news, everyone! "Futurama" really, totally, absolutely, no-kidding, for-real, 100% returns for 26 belligerent and numerous episodes on Comedy Central in 2010! That's not one, but two more shiny metal seasons of 13 episodes apiece. Click here for the press release, meatbag!

As Bender would say, "Bender Bender Bender Bender Bender!"

Where the Hell is the Jetsons Movie?

A couple of years ago, famed director Robert Rodriguez made it known to the public that he was considering working on a couple of movies based on famous television shows. One was Land of the Lost, which was just released last week (and not directed by Rodriguez) while the other was The Jetsons, which Rodriguez was leaning more towards due to the script being further along. This, of course, proves that nothing is at it seems in Hollywood since The Jetsons was originally scheduled for a January 2009 release and has since been pushed back to 2012, and has no one attached to it except for a few malnourished writers and some producers who by now surely have a healthy respect for mind-altering substances. Land of the Lost, the movie that was further behind in production, is out and raking in money (more money than the non-existent Jetsons film, anyway, and despite how the critics may feel about that), but The Jetsons is about two hairs shy of being shelved. This leads me to a very important question:

Why?

There is no need whatsoever for this to take so long. With The Flintstones, the crew had to go to great lengths to bring Bedrock to life in such a way that made it look as if you were indeed watching the adventures of a modern Stone Age family set millions of years ago. But this is the freakin' Jetsons, for crying out loud! They're set in the not-to-distant future of 2062 and use flying cars, robots, and conveyor belts. How is this so hard to put together?! Most of the technology used in the show is either already here or not too far off, so surely the budget can't be that big of a deal. God knows Hollywood has enough cash to throw at Eddie Murphy, surely they could spare some for a movie that might be worth watching. It can't be a matter of casting, there's probably hundreds of actors out there who would be thrilled to try to be George Jetson or even just the voice of Astro, and I'm sure Hanna-Barbera would jump at the chance to make some more money, so what's the deal? Where is the progression of this film coming to a standstill? I've searched for answers but returned empty-handed and just a bit frustrated, because with Rodriguez at the helm The Jetsons could be a wholly entertaining movie with plenty of neat effects and a feel to it that's retro-futuristic, which is exactly how it should be. I want to see that movie, so where is it?

If this is Cogswell's fault, I'm going to bust a sprocket...

Please give Richard Linklater more money

Richard Linklater is trying to make a spiritual successor to his classic Dazed and Confused, which I am certainly not alone in thinking is one of the best teen films of all time, but CHUD says there isn't enough money to go around. Well, to put it eloquently, that's stupid. School of Rock cost $35m to make, and raked in $131.2m at the worldwide box office, and Dazed has invariably raked in millions upon millions for Universal on DVD (even before they licensed it to Criterion). I really doubt That's What I'm Talking About, as it's reportedly called (not my favorite title, but whatever) is going to cost $35m, but the potential is certainly there for it to bank big bucks.

Last I heard, Linklater was also working on School of Rock 2: America Rocks, so one can hope rakes in another $130m that punches all the scaredy-cat investors in their stupid faces.

"SHUT UP AND GET TO THE POINT!"

Comedy Central maybe orders 13 new episodes of "Futurama".

Via CHUD.

Axel F

Top 3 looming belated 80's movie sequels I'd like to be good: Ghostbusters III, Tron 2 (or whatever the f--- they're calling it), and finally, Beverly Hills Cop IV.

I have my doubts about GBIII, because they're doing some passing-of-the-torch thing, and because Ghostbusters II has so many flaws, but I've been waiting for that movie since I was 5 and I really will take whatever I can get, for better or worse. Plus, there's always the video game, which seems at least reasonably entertaining (although I'm hedging my bets there too). Tron 2 looks like it's on the right track, although I'm still waiting for a high-res version of that awesome Comic-Con video Disney debuted as a surprise after the Witch Mountain and Bolt panels at Comic-Con 2008.

But then there's Beverly Hills Cop. As far as I'm concerned, the original Beverly Hills Cop, frankly, is one of the best movies of the 1980's. It's funny and thrilling in equal weight and measure, features one of Eddie Murphy's best performances as both an actor and a comedian, and he's got great chemistry with all of his co-stars -- none of which are played by Murphy in make-up. I thought Beverly Hills Cop II was an oddly-toned misfire that seems too slick, and dark, and is overwhelmed by a humid 80's heat that suffocates the movie into datedness, and the third film is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen -- just absolutely, completely execrable, and I love John Landis (although, and I'm going to get mobbed for this, I think Coming to America is overrated, overlong, unfunny garbage. I prefer Trading Places ten-to-one).

Yet despite mega-tool Brett Ratner in the director's chair and Eddie Murphy's career on a seemingly endless slide into Hell (see the trailer for Imagine That, the movie Murphy's opening this week -- which, coincidentally, also features Murphy's BHC co-star Ronny Cox...or, better yet, don't), this Moviehole article gives me some renewed hope. Early talks have suggested Judge Reinhold's Billy Rosewood might bite the dust, which I'm strongly against, because it would make Beverly Hills Cop IV another one-man Murphy show, but I don't know if the Haas/Brandt script is the one that kills the character, or if that twist will ultimately make it to the screen.

Either way, I wanted to counter my pessimistic Expendables piece with a positive one, and I want to see a Beverly Hills Cop besides the original that doesn't suck. Can we do that, Hollywood? Please?

Expendable?

So, the internet has been making a great big deal of fuss over The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone's next big action epic, and in its favor, it does star Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Brittany Murphy, Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts, Steve Austin, Randy Couture and Terry Crews, plus a (non-digital) cameo by Arnold Schwarzenegger and, if Moviehole is to be believed, an appearance of some sort from Bruce Willis, who's pretty far up on my list of favorite action stars. But I can't help but wonder: is it really going to be any good?

In the interest of full disclosure, I gotta say I'm no Slycylopedia. In fact, I'm going to be forced to admit that I've only seen two of his movies: the original Rambo movie First Blood (a true classic) and, uh, the arm-wrestling action film Over the Top. Probably not the best cross-section of the Italian Stallion's work.

Yet the list of people who aren't in The Expendables keeps looking longer and more interesting than the list of people who are. I like most of the actors Stallone's picked, but the one-time WWE stars do nothing for me and as much as I like Crews, I'd much rather have seen the initially announced Forest Whitaker appear in it. Sandra Bullock was asked, but declined (I can't imagine why -- regardless of quality, this movie will probably be a hit). And then there are the other action titans: Jean Claude Van Damme, Wesley Snipes, Steven Seagal and Sly's Tango & Cash partner Kurt Russell all opted out. Van Damme told Total Film Magazine why he bailed:

“Stallone gave me a part in his next movie," he told us. "But I ask him about the subject, about the story."

"He said, ‘You’re gonna make lots of money.’ I don’t want to hear that, I want to hear what was my character. He was unable to tell what it’s going to be."

"[Stallone said:] 'You know, uh, well, the fighting will be good.' [So I said:] 'Sly, what is my character?' So I didn’t do the movie."

Say what you will about Van Damme's career, but he was just in the highly entertaining JCVD, and frankly, it's ridiculous to bash an actor for being selective when the film's director won't even tell him what the movie is about. Admittedly, Snipes is trapped in the country due to his tax woes and Russell probably just felt he was getting too old for this kind of thing, but it's hard not to feel like Sly's dream cast is better than his actual cast.

And of course, the movie's shooting for a PG-13. I know PG-13 is the new R (which is confusing, since it's also the new PG, seeing as how many families see PG-13 movies), but it still seems like it's going to hamper what's meant to be the ultimate, testosterone-filled action explosion of 2010.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this movie will blow the doors off theaters in an explosion-and-gunfire fever dream while forcing me to eat my own testicles as penance for ever doubting it. And while I don't want to eat my own testicles, I would like to be wrong, but I just can't help but think that the movie can't live up to its own grunting, beefcake hype machine.

The Expendables opens April 23, 2010.

Remake Watch 2009: Valley Girl

That's the problem with Remake Watch: I'm going to end up updating this column every single day, if not repeatedly.

Moviehole reveals that someone I haven't heard of and already can't remember a mere minute and a half after reading the article is turning Valley Girl into a musical. Frankly, I'm surprised they chose Valley Girl instead of trying to re-adapt the Legally Blonde musical back into a movie. You'd think such pointlessness would be greatly appealing to someone with a lot of money.

I also hate to look like a bandwagoner, but Devin Faraci is right, so forget the new Scream film being a reboot.

ETA: Actually, the jury's still out on Scream. Bloody-Disgusting insists it's a reboot. It doesn't really make sense, but we'll see how things turn out.

Remake Watch 2009:
6 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
2 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.

Remake Watch 2009: Part 5

Equilibrium director Kurt Wimmer has signed on to write the Total Recall remake for Sony, sayeth Bloody-Disgusting. Wimmer also directed the Milla Jovovich sci-fi action movie Ultraviolet, which is one of the best unintentionally funny movies of the decade. No word if Wimmer might also helm Recall once the ink is dry.

I also forgot that Kevin Williamson is working on resurrecting Wes Craven's Scream franchise with a whole new trilogy, and while their participation has long been rumored, offers are finally out to Courtney Cox and David Arquette, according to EW. I dunno how I feel about that. Then again, there are probably established rules for the sixth film in a horror franchise. In fact, as long as they keep making Saw movies, they can keep making Scream movies as well.

Since Total Recall is already being accounted for, I only added one to the "reboot" column, for the Scream film.

Remake Watch 2009:
5 film remakes announced
4 film remakes released
2 tv remakes released
3 reboots announced
2 reboots released

A "reboot" is defined by Remake Watch as a new attempt at a film series with new actors playing old characters (thus, X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Race to Witch Mountain are excluded). Sequels to remakes (The Pink Panther 2, Halloween 2) are ignored.